Defensiveness
Why it happens and how to keep it from destroying relationships
Written by Maria Palamara LPC, NCC, CCC, February 2023
One thing about relationships is that it is a pretty sure bet that two people will never agree on everything. And so, arguments will happen even in the best relationships. It’s how we argue that is important, and how we take those disagreements to an ultimate resolution. John Gottman, renowned relationship therapist and researcher, describes four communication patterns that predict that a relationship will come to an end sooner or later. He called these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” for relationships. These problematic communication patterns are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. This article focuses on the topic of defensiveness – why we react in that way, what can happen when we get defensive, and how we can avoid defensive reactions.
Defensiveness is usually a reaction to anxiety. If you took psychology in high school, you almost certainly learned about Freud’s concept of defense mechanisms that we use to protect ourselves from anxiety and other negative emotions. In a discussion with a loved one, anxiety can be heightened in cases where we become embarrassed or shameful about something, and as a result we protect ourselves by using one or more “defense mechanisms.” For example, denial is one of the most common defense mechanisms that we use when we lie about something so our partner does not find out about our secret. So, in a situation where we get embarrassed because we were late in paying a credit card bill and got hit with steep interest and late payment charges, we might try to hide this from our partner, make excuses for why the charges were wrong, or why we were late in the first place. Or in another case with the same problem, we might turn it against our partner by using the projection defense mechanism, where, rather than owning up to our mistake, we criticize them instead. For example, if they would only do their fair share in paying the bills or doing more around the house to offload the partner who made the mistake, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Unfortunately, these kinds of reactions really don’t help solve the issue at hand. When we become defensive, we stop listening to our partner and start thinking of responses rather than solving the problem. By denying the truth or attacking our partner because of our own insecurities, our partner may become angry at us and strike back with their own defensive reaction. This has a strong potential to escalate the situation, which can result in harsh words that sting and can’t be taken back, or worse yet, physical violence. Of course, these reactions do not help to solve a problem, and are also very damaging to the relationship.
While it is natural to use defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from anxiety and shame, there are ways to help reduce how often this happens. The first important step is to recognize that we are not perfect and are entitled to a mistake now and then. Brené Brown has several good books on accepting our imperfections and how to cope with shameful thoughts and feelings (see references).
Once you can accept that you don’t have to be perfect all the time, the next step is to become more aware of when you are being defensive, and what your trigger issues are that make you feel afraid, ashamed, or anxious. When you are aware of these patterns, one way to address them is to begin using relaxation techniques such as a breathing exercise before entering a stressful situation or discussion to increase the ability to listen without judgment. Keep in mind that this may not always work, and you may still find yourself acting in a defensive manner. Rather than sticking to your guns, when you find yourself being defensive, slow down, acknowledge your defensiveness to your partner, apologize, and attempt to start over. You may explain to your partner how their comment or behavior made you feel, even if that wasn’t their intention, and ask for a different approach in the future to reduce the likelihood of becoming defensive.
Working with a counselor can also help you increase self-awareness and learn how to use each of these skills. You are bound to like yourself better and your relationships will thrive!
Resources:
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes - https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
20 Common Defense Mechanisms Used for Anxiety - https://www.verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960
Brené Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection - https://brenebrown.com/book/the-gifts-of-imperfection/
Brené Brown – Daring Greatly - https://brenebrown.com/book/daring-greatly/
